Me and my big prostate
1. I am sitting surrounded by old men, some in striped pyjamas that may have first seen service at the inauguration of the NHS, and in the background Pick up the Pieces by the Average White Band funks up the action but fails to disturb the somnambulent atmosphere. There are one or two relatives, a wife, a daughter perhaps. Poor old beggars I think. Its some time later that I realise they’re my contemporaries. The few uninteresting magazines on the table housing the water jugs, fail to distract from an endless reading of the plaque on the door opposite.
Department of Urology
Consultant Urologist Miss Nobbs
"Not here to mock, not here to dis,
But Miss Nobbs is here to take the piss."
I think to myself.
If only there were a fish tank with a plastic crocodile that periodically opens its mouth to belch a great bubble of air. That's a good way of killing time, holding your breath between exhalations of crocodile air. Makes you vaguely euphoric and past caring before they even start to invade your private places.
2. I am called to a cubicle by a young Indian or Sri Lankan nurse. She explains in formal Victorian grammar what is about to happen, and asks if I understand. (How many times will I be asked this over the next few months, and how many times will I reply inanely and inaccurately, "yes".) I consider attempting a joke but fear it will not reach the target and abort it in gestation. Read more